The care home question: how to know, and how to live with the decision
If you're reading this while turning the care home question over in your mind, you're probably exhausted, guilty, and looking for someone to just tell you what to do. I can't do that. Nobody who actually cares about your family can. But I can tell you what I've seen, honestly, from eight years of sitting on both sides of this decision.
The question isn't "am I giving up"
Almost every family I've worked with arrives at this question believing that considering a care home means they've failed. I want to say this as plainly as I can: it doesn't. Care needs change as dementia progresses, sometimes into territory that genuinely requires round-the-clock trained support, waking through the night, managing medical needs, handling behaviours that put someone at risk of injury. Recognising that isn't giving up. It's still caring, just differently.
Signs it might genuinely be time
- You are exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix, and it's been going on for months, not weeks.
- Their needs now include things you're not medically equipped to manage safely.
- You've stopped being able to leave the house, see other people, or care for your own health.
- Falls, wandering, or safety incidents are becoming frequent despite everything you've tried.
- You've noticed your own health, mental or physical, breaking down under the weight of it.
None of these alone is a verdict. Together, over time, they're worth taking seriously rather than pushing through on willpower alone.
How to actually choose one
Visit more than once, and at different times of day, mornings and evenings tell you different things. Watch how staff speak to residents when they think nobody important is listening. Ask about staff turnover, high turnover is often a real warning sign. Trust your gut in the room, not just the brochure.
Living with the decision afterwards
The guilt doesn't disappear the day they move in. For most families, it doesn't disappear at all, it just changes shape. What helps is remembering why you made the decision, not for you, but because it became the safer, better option for them, even when it doesn't feel like it in the moment. Visiting regularly, staying involved in their care, advocating for them, that's still you caring for them. The address changed. You didn't.
7 Signs It's Time to Get Help
If you're asking this question, you may already be noticing other quiet changes too, in eating, in personal care, in how safe home really is. My free guide walks you through the 7 signs that a family needs more support, and exactly what to do about each one, before things reach crisis point.
Download the free guideNo cost, no catch. Just the honest, practical information every family deserves.
You might also find this useful: Why someone with dementia keeps asking to go home, and what to say · Or read about why someone with dementia stops eating properly, and what to do about it.